Okay, this one might be pretty deep but I need to let it out. The first time I ever heard of bullying was in elementary school. I didn't exactly know what it was but I knew it was wrong and hurtful, that's all. When I entered middle school that's when it really started for me. Suddenly all the friends I thought I had turned on me? It was like everyone changed which is understandable since we were growing up. I just remember sharing food with some classmates and then they would walk away and talk about me as if I didn't have ears. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. Continuing middle school seventh grade was my absolute worst, I lost touch with some really good friends, I was all alone. That year I got asked out as a joke, thought helping the people academically who made fun of me would win them over, and just not being me. I recall days of me calling my mom to pick me up because I can't take it anymore, I was done. I think that's when I stopped bring Breana completely.
(Trigger Warning) I don't talk about this a lot because It's really hard for me but this was the year I tried to kill myself, full on. I had a plan, was putting the plan into action and there I was about to do it, about to end my life when I just broke down crying and screaming that it is not fair, this isn't me. I didn't tell my mom until high school that I tried I never truly understood mental illnesses until my friend got me on twitter. Twitter became a safe space for me to vent and be just me. I've made tons of friends that deal with the same issues I did that made me feel normal, that I'm not alone in this. A simple website felt more welcoming than my life, which sounds sad but I promise you it's not. I've made great friends and memories on Twitter, I truly am thankful for it. I thought to have suicidal thoughts, unknown sadness, and just over hopelessness happened to everyone, that this was life. I was wrong, I had/have depression which is a word many throws around but its a serious term. It's not just being sad for a day or upset over event happening. Its a lot more than that and I understood it. Sophomore year of high school the night before the first day I cried because I didn't have lunch with any of my friends so I was doomed, I was going to be a wide open target. That's the year I stopped eating lunch, too scared to eat because they would laugh and say I shouldn't be hungry. I hated myself and so did everyone else, at this point, I was just breathing, I wasn't living nor enjoying life. I never thought that bullying would change my whole life but it did. I still to this day have struggled with social anxiety, with doing normal things. I think everyone is judging me in their heads, I can't even make a phone call. Now that I've graduated high school I think back and I get upset because I'm sad that I let others control me so much that I hated going to school. I'm upset with myself for not doing anything to prevent it better. As of right now, I am in therapy and on medication. Do I still have bad days? yeah a lot, but I'm working on it. I want college to be the experience of high school that got taken away from me. I want to have fun, be social, make friends and memories. I hope anyone reading this that's going through bullying knows you're not alone, I promise you. Online websites that have group-chats helps a lot so you can engage and talk to people who go through similar things. Please reach out in school to stop this, let your parent go to the school if they do nothing, go above the school. People shouldn't bully others but if they're not going to do anything about it then we have to, we need to stand together.
0 Comments
|
BREdude, I just want to be cool. ArchivesCategories |